January 04, 2014

I am depressed

Note: This was written a few days ago, after a long period of introspection. I don't feel these intense emotions right now, but I strongly feel this bout of depression would return sooner or later. If someone feels a little bit like me, may be we can share notes on how to cope with this.

I am depressed. Not the suicidal kind of course. But I am really depressed to the point that I really want to go run away; run away from home, run away from the reality, run away from the responsibilities, run away from myself.

This depression is not something that stops me from living through the day. For most part, I am able to just about function normally, delivering what's expected of me. But it just doesn't bring the kind of happiness I expect.

I hate the fact that I talk to people but don't really get the kind of depth I want in the conversations. They all seem flimsy - no fault to the other party of course, I feel the same with almost every body. If social conventions allowed I would abrupt the formality of so many pointless small talks I have. 

I am depressed by the fact that every day presents an abundance of opportunities, but I achieve so less. I feel disgusted that every single day, I fall in the same cycle of old habits which don't produce results that I want, but instead make me feel like I am going through the motions. 

All that's fine when I don't have to think about it. If I keep myself busy enough with tasks that won't matter in the long run, everything will remain fine. It's only when I get to sit and introspect that I find that the world around me is crumbling and I just can't seem to do anything to save it.

Sometimes I feel like I have been sucked into the blackhole of all things bad and depressing and gloomy, and there is just no way I can get out of it. I feel that I have hit rock bottom but think there's still scope of going even more low.

I read a lot; blogs, books, biographies, and watch a lot of stuffs, trying to analyse what others did to tackle their own problems. Searching for any analogy between their situations and mine, and if I can apply anything that worked for them. Some of what I learn work for a little while but it's like putting band-aid on something that's inherently broken.

I despise myself for the fact that I have so much potential but it's all going to a waste, just because I can't get over with my irrational and  mostly unknown fears. I hate that the only thing standing between me and my goals & my dreams is me. I don't know if I can call it laziness or procrastination or lack of motivation; but I imagine it to be a big boulder on my way, and the only way to move forward is to keep pushing it ahead as I  move along. There is no way past it, or over it.

And what's most frustrating is that I don't have a compelling rock solid reason as to why I feel the way I feel, which has been for quite long time, but these bouts of depression have started hitting more frequently. 

Sometimes, I feel it's just what some people like to call the 'quarter-life crisis', and is also a little evident by the fact that quite a few of my friends also are fighting their own demons. But, then it seems my demon is unique. It's not something tangible which I can point that look - here is what I fear, or do not have the skills to achieve and I am going to fight to overcome or achieve it. Instead, it's there lurking at the back of my mind, controlling me but won't come out in the light.  

A lot of times I go to bed thinking what was the meaning of today. If it would have mattered had I not lived today. Would it have made any difference to the world except 2-3 colleagues missing me and today's work getting delayed a little.  

The end of the day is depressing but it also ends with a hope that tomorrow might be different. Tomorrow, all the unseen difficulties would go away and I would be able to face life, face people, face my goals with confidence. Tomorrow may be, just may be, this depression will magically go away. Although, the history points to the contrary.