Eventually, everyone's going to die

Death is one of the most interesting topics I like to contemplate on.  I have written a few times on it before. And this is a never ending chain of thoughts. It keeps me grounded when other unimportant things start to cloud up my judgement. 

I am afraid of a lot of things, but one thing that scares me the most is dying early (who isn't you ask, but please read on). I am not a believer in life-after-death and rebirth & stuff. So these few years or decades are the only thing I really have. If I leave today, I know somehow my friends and family will survive. Probably with a child less and a little less money. Probably with a friend less and one person less to hangout with. They will remember me of course, but they will move on, sooner or later.

But what I would regret the most is not being in their lives to make a difference. And I believe I certainly can. I can help someone to solve their problems. I can be there for someone to listen to, when all they need is someone to listen to. I can be there to make someone laugh with my corny jokes. I can be there when someone needs an advice. I can be there when they need someone to rely on. I can be there when they need someone to be proud of. 

So, I see a lot of potential in me to make a difference, even if miniscule, in so many lives in a positive way. Hence, what scares me is dying without warning and not getting a chance to do so. 

And from the same school, this thought comes from... Eventually, everyone's going to die...

The people you loved,

The people who loved you,

The people who needed your love,

The people you envied,

The people you hurt, 

The people you could have made happier,

The people you aren't on talking terms with, due to your ego,

The people who took care of you,

The people you cared about,

The people you were too proud to be vulnerable against,

The people you refused to even try to understand, 

... they will be gone. One by one. Most probably before you go. Some of them unexpectedly. 

We always have less time with each of them than we think. To spend it not doing something worth doing, just because we would feel uneasy or embarrassed or it requires effort, would be a shame. 

Time and again I think about this... Could I stop doing some of the useless shit, and probably do something to make someone happy? Surprise them? Delight them? Make them smile? Make them feel good about themselves? Show them that I care? Tell them that they are not alone and I have been there or am there? May be even inspire them with my actions?

No, I am not good with this. And no, I am no Mother Teresa to be spending 100% of my waking time doing this. But making it a side-business isn't a bad idea. 

Of course, we want money and success and power and glory and a good lifestyle. I won't bullshit. I am in the rat race, with everyone else. But I wonder if that's all there's to life. Our time on Earth is limited. Is spending it running after success and fame ONLY a good use of it? 

You are probably reading this in the morning. When you sleep tonight, do me a favor, and ask yourself this:

 How many lives did I influenced positively today? How many people would be happy that I was alive today?

I certainly will.

December 21: When I die tomorrow...

Following has been written considering if the world DOES end tomorrow. I know it's a joke, but I have just tried to imagine the impossible. What would my feelings be today, if I knew that not just me, everyone I know is going to die tomorrow....

As I write this, my hands tremble. It's futile to even write all this, as tomorrow nobody would be there to read it all. Tomorrow nothing will exist. But still I need to write all this down. May be that would help me to vent out the storm brewing inside me.

I feel confused, I feel anxious, I feel scared, I feel numb, all at the same time. Yesterday everything was fine, I was living my normal boring life. And today I have been told that I am left with 24 hours to do whatever I ever wanted to do in life. 

Today I feel ashamed at the way I lived my life till now. I wish somebody had told me this right at the starting that I would never be able to see myself become a quarter of a century old. Had I known it, I would have lived my life on fast track, been courageous, would have pushed myself to do the impossible. And certainly not dragged myself till now, hoping for a miraculous better future.

I would not have wasted my precious days and weeks worrying about stuffs which are useless today: more marks, more money, more friends, more success. Instead I would have utilized those moments to be actually close to the 'close-ones'. Listening to them, taking care of them, giving them the all the love and affection I could possibly offer.

Because it's not just me who is going away tomorrow. It's everyone whom I have ever known. The ones I had loved, the ones I had hated, the ones who flattered me, the ones who made me jealous. None of them will exist tomorrow, no one will be there to remember me, to keep me 'alive'.

Today everywhere I see, people are keeping their loved ones close to their chest, consoling them, not letting them go anywhere even for a single moment. And seeing so much love all together is overwhelming because man's basic nature is to focus on the negative. Find stuffs to be angry upon, find faults, find things which are not going right. But now, when he knows that all that is of no use tomorrow, he has forgotten his basic instincts.

Today I see no-one making a hue and cry about traffic, global warming, growing corruption, poverty, power cuts or bad governance. Nobody is worried how beautiful or ugly, fat or fit they look today. Nobody is holding any grudge against their nemesis. All of them are busy praying to Gods to somehow save them from the inevitable. To forgive all of their sins and promising to live a better life if given a second chance.

And in a way, it is a little amusing to see all that, as life has never been certain. Anything can happen to any of us at any point of time. But we still fall back to the same patterns, living our lives from paycheck-to-paycheck,  not looking at the bigger picture. But when life reminds us of its harsh realities, when we are hit on the head by  a tragedy that we realize its fragility, and how precious those few seconds spent doing something fruitful could be.

I wish there were a way to stop all this. I wish all this would turn out to be just a bad dream. But today I can only wish all this. And if I had to make a last wish today, it would just be to let my family and friends know how much I loved and cared for them, and how much pain I feel right now, knowing that I couldn't do much for them while I was alive.