December 20, 2012

December 21: When I die tomorrow...

Following has been written considering if the world DOES end tomorrow. I know it's a joke, but I have just tried to imagine the impossible. What would my feelings be today, if I knew that not just me, everyone I know is going to die tomorrow....

As I write this, my hands tremble. It's futile to even write all this, as tomorrow nobody would be there to read it all. Tomorrow nothing will exist. But still I need to write all this down. May be that would help me to vent out the storm brewing inside me.

I feel confused, I feel anxious, I feel scared, I feel numb, all at the same time. Yesterday everything was fine, I was living my normal boring life. And today I have been told that I am left with 24 hours to do whatever I ever wanted to do in life. 

Today I feel ashamed at the way I lived my life till now. I wish somebody had told me this right at the starting that I would never be able to see myself become a quarter of a century old. Had I known it, I would have lived my life on fast track, been courageous, would have pushed myself to do the impossible. And certainly not dragged myself till now, hoping for a miraculous better future.

I would not have wasted my precious days and weeks worrying about stuffs which are useless today: more marks, more money, more friends, more success. Instead I would have utilized those moments to be actually close to the 'close-ones'. Listening to them, taking care of them, giving them the all the love and affection I could possibly offer.

Because it's not just me who is going away tomorrow. It's everyone whom I have ever known. The ones I had loved, the ones I had hated, the ones who flattered me, the ones who made me jealous. None of them will exist tomorrow, no one will be there to remember me, to keep me 'alive'.

Today everywhere I see, people are keeping their loved ones close to their chest, consoling them, not letting them go anywhere even for a single moment. And seeing so much love all together is overwhelming because man's basic nature is to focus on the negative. Find stuffs to be angry upon, find faults, find things which are not going right. But now, when he knows that all that is of no use tomorrow, he has forgotten his basic instincts.

Today I see no-one making a hue and cry about traffic, global warming, growing corruption, poverty, power cuts or bad governance. Nobody is worried how beautiful or ugly, fat or fit they look today. Nobody is holding any grudge against their nemesis. All of them are busy praying to Gods to somehow save them from the inevitable. To forgive all of their sins and promising to live a better life if given a second chance.

And in a way, it is a little amusing to see all that, as life has never been certain. Anything can happen to any of us at any point of time. But we still fall back to the same patterns, living our lives from paycheck-to-paycheck,  not looking at the bigger picture. But when life reminds us of its harsh realities, when we are hit on the head by  a tragedy that we realize its fragility, and how precious those few seconds spent doing something fruitful could be.

I wish there were a way to stop all this. I wish all this would turn out to be just a bad dream. But today I can only wish all this. And if I had to make a last wish today, it would just be to let my family and friends know how much I loved and cared for them, and how much pain I feel right now, knowing that I couldn't do much for them while I was alive.