HAPPY BIRTHDAY "KAALU" ... Or ... WHY AM I SUCH A BIG RACIST

"Tomorrow if you come again in this black color, I will beat the living hell out of you", said the white boy (or something like that). I was afraid. This was probably the 6th time he had bullied me in past 1 year or so (pay attention, I am narrating my only experience of being bullied.). It all started in KG standard and now I was in 1st.  When was it going to end?

This guy would come in my class and then threaten me. My fault? I had a brownish black skin. I knew I couldn't possibly fight this guy. And to top that he would always come with 2 of his body guards from his section by his side. And to top even that, he had a big brother in 6th class. I was screwed. 

So, I would try to avoid him. He would usually come during lunch sessions and I would go out and hide somewhere. Or try and stand under sunlight. If ever he would find me, I would reason that my skin tone is fairer (under the effect of sunlight). Almost always he would take the bait. Stupid little 1st standard kids.

But after an year of being bullied every now and then, I have had enough of it. I couldn't go to my parents because it's difficult to make them understand (it still is after 20 years). So, I opened up with my class mate, neighbor and best friend of that time. He was about 3 shades darker than me (totally approximating here). His real name was Mohammad Shafeeq, but I got to know that after 10 years. We shared (an embarrassing) nick name. So I would call him that.

That guy considered me as brother and would do anything for me (why have they stopped making such friends now?).  So, next day we went to that white guy's class and talked to him in his language. His burly figure, his body guards and his elder brother could go to hell. 2 little kids stood up against racism and bullism that day. We must have felt like Abraham Lincoln or Gandhi that day. Sadly, I couldn't stay with my best friend long, as I changed school soon. 

[Side note : I have had only 2 Muslim friends in my life. Both became my best friends of their time, but we couldn't stay in touch for more than 2 years. I have exactly 1 Muslim friend right now (just like exactly 1 Christian, 1 Buddhist, and 1 Jain friend. I cherish them all). It's been over 1.5 years of knowing. I am very interested to see how long we stay in touch].

When I moved to another school in 2nd, I became friends with a boy who was at least 2 shades darker than me. Also, we shared our first names, so we would call each other by our last names. And then we would cheat in exams/tests/quizzes/whatever. I became a master cheat. That was the pinnacle of my cheating career. (Cheating! That's an interesting story. Some other time).

In 4th standard, a girl refused to sit with me. Her reason? She was fair and I was dark(or black or brown or wheatish or chocolaty or latte. How do you define?). Well, I wasn't too interested to sit with her either but you can't say no to your teachers. At least not in 4th standard. So, we somehow managed, and as time went we became good friends. And as luck would have it, we got to (more like had to) share seat in 6th standard again. 

In 5th grade, I would sometimes imagine if the topper girl of our class would marry me? Or even her best friend who used to come second. That Bengali girl. After all they were the toppers and I used to come third. Who would want to marry a third standard guy? On top of that they were both fair and I was dark. Ahhh... Why God, Why?

You see the pattern above? It's disgusting what a child has to go through. I have been a victim of racism (on a relatively small scale). So, it shouldn't be surprising if I have become a self certified racist. 

Now, I discriminate based on color, caste, language, region, religion, age; basically anything that can be used to differentiate. And then I insult people. People get angry sometimes, "What kind of human are you RavS?". But I don't understand. When the society as a whole practices this, it's acceptable. But if I practice it on an individual level, I have committed  a non-documented sin?

As for being black, when I see movie-stars promoting fairness creams, it disgusts me to my core. Why would you want to be fair? It's like insulting the genes that your parents gave you. They should make a cream which enhances the interior self confidence rather than diluting the exterior melanin. You must be a proud black. And then you must be a proud racist. You must insult people fairer than you and darker than you. Because no one is better than you . Just like no one is lesser than you. (The last few lines rhyme! I will use it in some rap song.)

I wanted to write a list of how I practice my brand of racism and what all things are good and bad about racism etc. But let's not make it a list based post this time. 

OK, back to the story. When I moved to college, for first 3 days nobody would sit with me. That was a little weird. It wasn't as if I was the weirdest looking guy in the whole class. Then I figured out, I liked sitting on the first benches and no one else had any affection for the first bench. Anyway, then a guy, let's name him "Kaalu" for the sake of this true story, came and asked if he could sit with me. 2 shades darker and a few inch taller. What the hell, suit yourself. "Sure", I said. 

7 years later he is one of the only 10% college mates I am in contact with. Is he my best friend? I don't know. Is he a reliable confidante? May be. Is he the blackest friend I have got. Hell Yeah!

All in all, he has been there whenever it was required. He has done more than I could ever repay. And I have disappointed him the most. And I have insulted him the most in this world. And I still feel I don't need to say "sorry" for anything. Although, two words I can safely use - "Thank You". Thank you for everything.

Today is "Kaalu's" birthday. I wrote a song on him. But it became so vulgar and racist that I had to delete it. It would mean a lot to me if you could say "Happy Birthday Kaalu" and optionally any additional racist slur according to your own racist level. I will transport your wishes to him. 

And yes...

"Happy Birthday Kaalu. You are so black, sometimes coal mistakes you as a mirror ".

PS : I hope that white kid gets to marry a while girl. And then they have white little kids who do all things white, like pooping white shit and stuff. OK, I am out. 

That One Time I was caught in Girls' Toilet

I was coming out and she was going in. She raised both her eyebrows to acknowledge me. I pouted in response and tried to hurry up. We almost passed each other until she realized the scandal. 

"Hold on. What are you doing in ladies toilet?" I couldn't reply. I didn't have a good enough answer. Except that I have been visiting it for past 2 weeks or so. 

She ordered me to wait outside near the water cooler, as she went inside to take care of her business. The thought running away never came in mind. May be because I was a stupid 2nd standard student. Or may be because she was my Hindi teacher, and I thought she would recognize me anyway later on. 

There was a girl standing near the water cooler. She was elder than me. She asked me the same, "What were you doing inside? Why didn't you go to boys' toilet?". 

"I am new to this school. I don't know where the boys toilets are." Only the first statement was true. I knew where boys' toilets were. They were adjacent to the girls' toilet. 

So why didn't I visit male loos? May be because they were too filthy and smelly. Or may be because the urinals were "too high" for the short 4 feet me. It's been over 17 years since that incident, I don't remember. 

Somehow I found out that the girl was in 4th standard. "4th standard! Wow! She must know a lot. Like the multiplication table of 19." were my exact thoughts about her at that time . 

The Hindi teacher came out after a few minutes. The girl tried to explain my excuse to the teacher on my behalf. She was snubbed away, and she went to her class upstairs. I never saw that girl again. I don't remember her face or voice. But she did try to save my ass. God bless her soul. 

The teacher then focused her wrath on me. "Which section are you from?" She demanded. I said "D" . Now, I don't know if it was the fault of my vocal cords, her ear drums or the moist air between us. But she heard section "E". 

A minute later, I found myself standing in front of 30 odd students of 2nd E. The Hindi teacher was informing E's class teacher about the "crime" that I had committed 10 mins ago. I don't exactly remember the conversation but I think it was something like this... "look at this little criminal. If these are his deeds now, what will he do once he grows up?". (Ask me mam, I have an answer now.) 

"But he is not from this section", E section teacher replied . 

"What?", Hindi teacher turned towards me,  "Aren't you from this section? ". 

"No mam, I am from D section". 

BAAM!! A tight slap on face for clarifying the confusion. May be there I learned for the first time, what happens when you tell the truth. 

After a minute I found myself standing in front of 30 odd students of 2nd D now. Those were my class mates and that was my Section's class teacher. 

The episode of section E repeated again in section D. And then BAMM!! Another tight slap on face. 

2 back to back slaps on the soft cheeks of mine. It hurt a lot. But I was more concerned about that look on my class section teacher's face. "Haww... Ravi. I didn't expect this from you." 

"Nooo mam. It's not how it all looks like. I am not the kind of guy this all portrays me to be. Please don't stop adoring me. Please. " I was thinking looking at her . 

I went back to my desk and put my head down. My benchmate tried to interview me about what just happened. But I was just not in the mood. I had just been humiliated in front of 30 + 30 students. And my favorite class teacher thought I was an "eve teaser in the making",  "a future rapist" or something like that. I didn't know what exactly she thought about me, but I knew I had done "something" wrong. It wasn't really a good day to be me. 

I never really talked about this incident after that. If ever I would narrate this story, the protagonist would be a friend who has left school so he won't be able to defend himself. Sorry Sachin, for portraying you in bad light for 6 years, without you even knowing about it... 

So what's the moral of story? Well first, not every story has to have a moral. But if there has to be one, I would say there are somethings in life that are too embarrassing or personal to be told in public. But most of what happens in our life does not come in that category. We all have skeletons in our closet. If we take some of them out every once in while, may be we will become more human in others' eyes. 

YES, I was CAUGHT in girl's toilet once. Who cares? We all have pooped in our pants as babies. What can be more embarrassing than that? 

Second moral probably would be that it's not really a good idea to visit ladies toilet if you are not authorized to do so. (I don't care whatever the heck they show in movies). 

That Hindi  teacher was my first teacher when I took admission in 2nd class in that school. She was still there on my last day of school 11 years later. Her name was Seema. Sorry Seema mam. I never stepped foot inside girl's toilet after that incident. Probably never will again. 

19 ways to backstab people

I am a nice guy. Also, in my spare time I hate myself. I am coming to realize that nice guys are the unhappiest lot. So I tried to change the perception (in my eyes at least). 

I challenged myself to come up with 19 ideas of how to backstab people. But it's not easy. Of all the things that I can do, backstabbing isn't one of them. 

So, I asked 35 people on Whatstapp (I call the list my "Universe"), to give me some ideas. Only 2-3 people replied. I felt backstabbed. I mean I try to help them in anyway I can. And now when I ask them to help me out? Nada. 

Anyways, here's a list of 19 ways that I could come up with. Indulge: 

1. Just get up in the morning, take a knife and backstab a random person (preferably not in your own family. Think neighbors). Plain and simple. No questions asked. No answers given.

2. Take away all the alternatives from the people, so that you are the only hope left (Batman style). Then dash that hope. 

3. Leave someone at the altar. (Source: saw it in movies, don't know any real life incidents).

4. Plan to do group suicide. Get someone ready to suicide with you. Let them take the first attempt. Then backtrack. Incidentally, 2 weeks ago I was actually having a discussion with Katy on attempting suicide.

5. Let your boss do everything for you. Fight for your well being. Take your side.  Be grateful for him. Then resign at a moment's notice. Don't give any explanation. Just leave. (Thanks Sree. I appreciate your honesty.).

6. Ask someone you want to backstab in a language they don't understand. Smile as you say, so as to manipulate them into saying yes. Then backstab them. That's backstabbing them on 2 levels. (Thanks Katy).

7. Get someone to sign their property papers on your name by fraud. So much difficult now, but I know of at least 3 such different instances. 

8. Scare to "front stab" someone. As they start to run away, backstab them. So much easier than front stabbing. 

9. Outsource the backstabbing job. Some people are better in the art of backstabbing than others. I come in the category of later, so this point is pretty useful for me.

10. Promise someone to backstab someone else. Then don't backstab the second person. First one would automatically get backstabbed. 

11. When someone is already backstabbed before, they start to watch their backs. So, instead side-stab them by first being on their side (i.e. gaining their trust). Not technically backstabbing, but logically it's still backstabbing. They were expecting you to backstab, but you side-stabbed. Hah!

12. Talk trash about someone's girlfriend (/boyfriend), so that they eventually breakup. Then steal her right under their nose. Interestingly, I know of one such real instance. 

13. If someone backstabs you, backstab them back immediately (you always have some leverage, think about it). I call it back-to-back backstabbing. 

14. If someone backstabs you, promise yourself to take revenge. But then forget to backstab them later. Eventually, they will harm you again. And you will regret. That's called 'self backstabbing'. 

15. Backstab someone. Say sorry. Pretend to mean it so that they start trusting you again. Then backstab them again. 

16. Lie to your kids that they will be happier if only they chose to study instead of playing now. Let them toil in their childhood in lieu of a false happier future. The kids will then grow up, realize it was all a lie, but nevertheless spread the same lies to their own kids. That's generational backstabbing. 

17. Don't pay for your tuition fees. I did that once. Somehow I lost the money on the way and then pretended I had already given it earlier. It's been 10 years since that instance. Please don't judge me.

18. Accept money or liquor from a candidate in exchange for your vote. Then vote for someone else. I so want to do this. If only I drank.

19. Pretend to be someone you are not. It's a world of being a show off. One day people will find out the truth. They will feel cheated. Ergo, backstabbed. Ask the employees of so many organizations that go bankrupt. You will know what I mean.

I don't know what will I do with this list. May be I will use this as a reference, if I ever feel the need to backstab someone. Feel free to use these ideas yourself. And yet again, no need to give credit. 

Why Sunny Bhabhi must be the Prime Ministerial Candidate for India

I am just fed up. I have stopped watching news now. When I wrote about AAP half an year ago, I was excited. Excited about where Indian politics was going. Hopeful that AAP was the real game changer as they promised to be. But alas they weren't. While I still support some off their leaders, I am disappointed with the way party exited from Delhi without proverbial warning.

And now when the only ray of hope seemed to be Modi (not talking about BJP here), every secular and non-secular Anti-Modi forces are working full time to discover any dead corpses from his closet. All of a sudden his wife has become more important than his vision and promises for a better India. Very recently a very wise leader of a very wise state said there shouldn't be death penalty for rapes because "boys will be boys. They make mistake". If only he was a stand-up comedian. 

So, please excuse me when I say I have become cynical of Indian politics and don't see it changing anytime soon. National depression compounded by my own personal depression; sometimes it's just too much to take. Sometimes I imagine the nation locked in a room full of utter darkness with no way out. Whoever tries to open that door for others, also gets sucked in (I am sorry you are getting beaten around AK, you don't deserve it). It's frightening.

But I find a small glimmer of light at the far end of the room. A little beam telling that may be, just may be we can find our way out. That name of the beam of light is : Karenjit Kaur Vohra, better known as Sunny Leone, and respectfully called Sunny Bhabhi from here onwards.

Now, I know half of you would be thinking "Meh" after reading the last sentence. Oh, it's another post on porn star. RavS just trying to be witty. But you have to believe me that I am writing this with utter seriousness. It's been 10 minutes of writing this, I am feeling thirsty but I won't get up until I finish this very important write up. 

I know it's hard to imagine how can an NRI pornstar be the leader of India. I have 2 words for that : Sonia Gandhi . She doesn't even have Indian roots but she became the bahu of India's first family and today she is one of most powerful personalities of India, virtually leading current Govt of India (Is what Sanjaya Baru proclaiming really true?). 

 Now, I know you won't be convinced so easily. But think for a little while : 

- In this age of doom and gloom, there isn't a better way to make people happy than mentioning the word "Sunny". Sorry Deol and Gavaskar Paajis but Sunny Bhabhi is the real "Sunny" today. Now think when people get so happy just by hearing this 5 letter word what would happen when they would get to see this 5' 4" figure of flesh and bones everyday damn day. Happier workforce is equivalent to productive workforce. What can be more useful for a dwindling economy like ours?

- If Bhabhi reaches parliament, I can guarantee 1000% increase in the viewership of Lok Sabha TV (I hope she contests elections rather than going the nomination route. More on this in a while.). Whatever be the cause, people will take interest in politics. Which means there will be high pressure on our politicians to deliver with so much limelight on them. Sunny Bhabhi doesn't even have to take part in any debates of the parliament. She can be as non-vocal as our last PM (hard to imagine but still). Her presence itself would have the same effect as Sachin had on Indian Cricket team. I miss you Sachin.

- A few years ago, it was hard to imagine a person indulging in hardcore porn to be the face of mainstream Hindi movies. But here we are with Ragini MMS 2 being considered a 'hit'. This shows the progressive mindset of India. Now, imagine where we can take Indian politics with people like Sunny Bhabhi entering the foray.

- We have had only one lady PM since Independence. And she is also the most memorable one (for good or bad reasons, that's debatable). Just shows the impact a woman can have on a country. It's time that we get another lady to hold the topmost position in Indian governance system. I would also argue that watching her as the PM would also inspire thousands of other women to take up politics. Who needs a 33% reservation bill when you have Sunny Bhabhi to take care of all that?

- No one wants Congress, no one really likes BJP either (forget Modi for a second), AAP's leader is getting slapped around. I would argue that this is the best time for the secular third front to come together and stop the Corrupt and Communal forces to come to power. The problem with third front is that they don't have a common unifying factor, so it keeps dissolving again and again. With a leader like Sunny Bhabhi, they would get the tonic they need to keep up the fight instead of fighting among themselves. 

Now the question arises, why not just an MP? Why PM? I say why not? I mean just look at Sunny Bhabhi - 

- Clean WYSIWYG Image. 

- Secular Credentials.

- Hardworking (no pun here).

- Charming Personality

- Ability to turn crowds on (slight pun here)

- Good orator (I assume, because she is an actress. I am yet to see her in an interview)

What else do you need in your PM? 

Ahh... I can go on and on. But what's the use? It's really unfortunate that even Sunny Bhabhi won't be aware of her political potentials. I hope someone gives her this sane advice. There's still time to file nomination in UP (Why from UP? Well that's a different post altogether).

At this hour, India needs her more than ever. If she decides to contest elections, I would take a sabbatical and would personally campaign for her from wherever she stands. I am pretty sure some of my friends too would join me in this noble cause. I am yet to do community service actively, and what better way to start than this. 

I got up early today. My head hurts now. Let me go listen to watch my Baby Doll. 

How To Torture Kids

I have a problem. My 7 (or less, I don't remember) year old brother doesn't let me adore him. Which means no kissing cheeks, no hugging, not even high-fives. The only time I am allowed to even touch him is after 9 pm. When he is sleeping. And he is knows this very well that I can't live without adoring him. So he trades his hugs with all kinds of stuffs. Chocolates, ice creams, half an hour drawing room cricket, a game (or 10) on tablet. A word "Prostitution" comes in mind. But then he can't even spell P for "Parrot", so that's that. 

Now after I am done adoring him for a few minutes, all the time left in the day goes in being furious on him so much. He knows how to get me angry in less than 1 minute. All my pressure points. Probably he can write a book on it - 'How to get RavS angry in 60 seconds or less'. I might buy one.

On the day of Holi he ended up locking my tablet, causing me to reset it after hours of trials. And then I spent my next 2 nights reinstalling all the essential apps. Of course, all the data saved was lost. Bura na maano Holi hai! And that's just one example. 

So, let's call a spade, a spade. Kids torture. They are a big pain in the parietal lobe. But I am not the kind of guy who would take all this torture lying down. I retaliate and I retaliate big time. I torture kids who torture me. And today I would like to share  some of my methods with you because, well, I just like to help people. 

None of these employ physical torture. I am a Gandhian when it comes to physical violence.  Plus I think physical torture is quite overrated. It's the mental and emotional harassment that breaks them down. Sure some of these methods might negatively impact the growth of your kid. But like I said, this is a war against kids and we adults have to win it at all costs.

Feel free to use these methods, and no need to credit me for any of these (I repeat, please don't). Frankly speaking, I have picked all of them from public domain itself:

A. Instill all kinds of nonsensical fears in them. Fears of ghosts, demons, monsters, whatever. Make it as unreal as possible so that it becomes as scary as it can. Break down their confidence, so that they become incapable of torturing you. If you do this one thing with honesty, you won't even have to read the rest of the points below.

B. Promise them to do X once they do Y. But once they complete Y, forget about your X. But don't do it quite often, or at least do a compensatory Z sometimes, so that they don't call your bluff so early.

C. Tell them that they are adopted. I don't know how, but it always work. They start doubting their own identity. Sometimes even parents have to re-assure them. "Son, believe me. I am your real mom, you look exactly like me". Here, I am hoping you are not the parent of the child you are torturing. 

D. Lie to them (which is a generalization of B. and C. above). Tell them they would be happy in their life as adults if they torture themselves now by studying hard and playing less. Of course, they would torture themselves because they believe you. And the great part is that you can use this tactic for years, before they get to realize how they have been robbed of their life.

E. Don't let them watch cartoon. I don't even have to explain this one.

F. Threaten to throw them from a height. And yell while you do so. Humans are born with only 2 intrinsic fears : fear of height and fear of loud noises. So, this tactic is bound to work, no matter what. Just make sure that you hold the kid properly while "pretending" to throw them. I prefer first floors, but sometimes even go on second floor for a change. 

G. Take aware their freedom. And I mean literally. Lock  them up in a closet or bathroom or a suitcase (no I haven't used this last one, yet). And then enjoy their wails, while it lasts. Also, please be ready for the consequences of this one.

H. Make them sit through a religious procession for hours. Religious ceremonies are boring. Kids hate anything that bore them. So, you do the opposite. Bore them out of their guts. Just make sure that you yourself are capable to sit through hours long religious events. I can't. So, this idea is probably not for me.

I. Pretend that they don't exist. Kids want attention and affection. If you don't provide them this, they would naturally feel restless. Stop looking at them, stop listening to them, stop speaking to them. Then enjoy the show.

J. Mess with their stuff. Kids are very possessive about their things : gifts, toys, clothes. My brother has a drawer of his own in which he keeps all kinds of rubbish : wrappers of toffees and chips, pamphlets he can't read, some old useless color pens, and basically anything else bright and shiny. Opening that drawer without permission is like crossing an invisible "Lakshman Rekha". That really does give him a lot of hurt burn. Mission accomplished.

L. Threaten to send them somewhere they don't like. My brother doesn't like to go to our native village. It's so calm and peaceful, without TV, without electricity, without friends. BORING! So, time and again I threaten to send him to village if he doesn't behave. It works generally. Until he threatens back to send me there.

M. Link them up with a girl. Young kids don't like themselves to be associated with girls. It hurts their "masculinity". When I was in nursery, I used to share an auto with a girl from my class. She was from north-east. Every morning, the auto would pick me up first and then we would go to her apartments where she would be waiting with her Dad. And then in the afternoon I would drop her before coming back home. Without fail the elders in my family, even my neighbors, would tease me about my "girlfriend". I hated it. "Oh please. She is not my friend. I don't even like her". Well, I haven't forgotten her facial features. She wasn't bad at all. But I don't remember her name. Let's call her MyFirst GirlFriend.

N. I am yet to see a person who says, "Oh, how much I love getting poked. I wish I could find someone who could poke me day and night". So poke the kids. Annoy them. But just remember one thing. They can easily learn this tactic and use it back on you. Also, I can tell from personal experience they have a lot more patience that you as an adult can ever get.

O. Repeatedly call their name just are they are going to sleep or about to wake up. This would confuse their sleepy brain and they would really get pissed off. Sleep deprivation is actually an extreme form of torture. But this is a war against kids and everything is fair in a war. 

P. Make them spell Parrot. Then Papaya. Then Peacock. Then Pachycephalosaurus (heck, even I can't spell it. By the way, that's the name of the largest boneheaded dinosaur ever found). When they fail make them write these spellings 100 times. I just ordered my brother to "recite" English Alphabets. He is asking "The capital ones or the small ones?". 

Q. Eat their stuff but don't share yours. And make sure your stuff is far more delicious looking than theirs. "How mean!". I imagine a friend of mine saying this, right now. But this is not about sharing stuffs. Stuffs mean nothing. It's about torturing kids like they have never experienced it before.

I can take it to Z. But this list is not meant to be exhaustive. Take it as a general guidelines to come up with your won novel ideas. I wish you luck as you embark on a long but fruitful and sometimes fun journey of torturing kids. In fact, torture a kid today. How does it feel? Good, right?!

PS: Please don't try this tactic on little babies. They are too innocent to be even touched. Also, if you have a baby at home, I would like to come play with them. Thanks for reading.