April 13, 2014

How To Torture Kids

I have a problem. My 7 (or less, I don't remember) year old brother doesn't let me adore him. Which means no kissing cheeks, no hugging, not even high-fives. The only time I am allowed to even touch him is after 9 pm. When he is sleeping. And he is knows this very well that I can't live without adoring him. So he trades his hugs with all kinds of stuffs. Chocolates, ice creams, half an hour drawing room cricket, a game (or 10) on tablet. A word "Prostitution" comes in mind. But then he can't even spell P for "Parrot", so that's that. 

Now after I am done adoring him for a few minutes, all the time left in the day goes in being furious on him so much. He knows how to get me angry in less than 1 minute. All my pressure points. Probably he can write a book on it - 'How to get RavS angry in 60 seconds or less'. I might buy one.

On the day of Holi he ended up locking my tablet, causing me to reset it after hours of trials. And then I spent my next 2 nights reinstalling all the essential apps. Of course, all the data saved was lost. Bura na maano Holi hai! And that's just one example. 

So, let's call a spade, a spade. Kids torture. They are a big pain in the parietal lobe. But I am not the kind of guy who would take all this torture lying down. I retaliate and I retaliate big time. I torture kids who torture me. And today I would like to share  some of my methods with you because, well, I just like to help people. 

None of these employ physical torture. I am a Gandhian when it comes to physical violence.  Plus I think physical torture is quite overrated. It's the mental and emotional harassment that breaks them down. Sure some of these methods might negatively impact the growth of your kid. But like I said, this is a war against kids and we adults have to win it at all costs.

Feel free to use these methods, and no need to credit me for any of these (I repeat, please don't). Frankly speaking, I have picked all of them from public domain itself:

A. Instill all kinds of nonsensical fears in them. Fears of ghosts, demons, monsters, whatever. Make it as unreal as possible so that it becomes as scary as it can. Break down their confidence, so that they become incapable of torturing you. If you do this one thing with honesty, you won't even have to read the rest of the points below.

B. Promise them to do X once they do Y. But once they complete Y, forget about your X. But don't do it quite often, or at least do a compensatory Z sometimes, so that they don't call your bluff so early.

C. Tell them that they are adopted. I don't know how, but it always work. They start doubting their own identity. Sometimes even parents have to re-assure them. "Son, believe me. I am your real mom, you look exactly like me". Here, I am hoping you are not the parent of the child you are torturing. 

D. Lie to them (which is a generalization of B. and C. above). Tell them they would be happy in their life as adults if they torture themselves now by studying hard and playing less. Of course, they would torture themselves because they believe you. And the great part is that you can use this tactic for years, before they get to realize how they have been robbed of their life.

E. Don't let them watch cartoon. I don't even have to explain this one.

F. Threaten to throw them from a height. And yell while you do so. Humans are born with only 2 intrinsic fears : fear of height and fear of loud noises. So, this tactic is bound to work, no matter what. Just make sure that you hold the kid properly while "pretending" to throw them. I prefer first floors, but sometimes even go on second floor for a change. 

G. Take aware their freedom. And I mean literally. Lock  them up in a closet or bathroom or a suitcase (no I haven't used this last one, yet). And then enjoy their wails, while it lasts. Also, please be ready for the consequences of this one.

H. Make them sit through a religious procession for hours. Religious ceremonies are boring. Kids hate anything that bore them. So, you do the opposite. Bore them out of their guts. Just make sure that you yourself are capable to sit through hours long religious events. I can't. So, this idea is probably not for me.

I. Pretend that they don't exist. Kids want attention and affection. If you don't provide them this, they would naturally feel restless. Stop looking at them, stop listening to them, stop speaking to them. Then enjoy the show.

J. Mess with their stuff. Kids are very possessive about their things : gifts, toys, clothes. My brother has a drawer of his own in which he keeps all kinds of rubbish : wrappers of toffees and chips, pamphlets he can't read, some old useless color pens, and basically anything else bright and shiny. Opening that drawer without permission is like crossing an invisible "Lakshman Rekha". That really does give him a lot of hurt burn. Mission accomplished.

L. Threaten to send them somewhere they don't like. My brother doesn't like to go to our native village. It's so calm and peaceful, without TV, without electricity, without friends. BORING! So, time and again I threaten to send him to village if he doesn't behave. It works generally. Until he threatens back to send me there.

M. Link them up with a girl. Young kids don't like themselves to be associated with girls. It hurts their "masculinity". When I was in nursery, I used to share an auto with a girl from my class. She was from north-east. Every morning, the auto would pick me up first and then we would go to her apartments where she would be waiting with her Dad. And then in the afternoon I would drop her before coming back home. Without fail the elders in my family, even my neighbors, would tease me about my "girlfriend". I hated it. "Oh please. She is not my friend. I don't even like her". Well, I haven't forgotten her facial features. She wasn't bad at all. But I don't remember her name. Let's call her MyFirst GirlFriend.

N. I am yet to see a person who says, "Oh, how much I love getting poked. I wish I could find someone who could poke me day and night". So poke the kids. Annoy them. But just remember one thing. They can easily learn this tactic and use it back on you. Also, I can tell from personal experience they have a lot more patience that you as an adult can ever get.

O. Repeatedly call their name just are they are going to sleep or about to wake up. This would confuse their sleepy brain and they would really get pissed off. Sleep deprivation is actually an extreme form of torture. But this is a war against kids and everything is fair in a war. 

P. Make them spell Parrot. Then Papaya. Then Peacock. Then Pachycephalosaurus (heck, even I can't spell it. By the way, that's the name of the largest boneheaded dinosaur ever found). When they fail make them write these spellings 100 times. I just ordered my brother to "recite" English Alphabets. He is asking "The capital ones or the small ones?". 

Q. Eat their stuff but don't share yours. And make sure your stuff is far more delicious looking than theirs. "How mean!". I imagine a friend of mine saying this, right now. But this is not about sharing stuffs. Stuffs mean nothing. It's about torturing kids like they have never experienced it before.

I can take it to Z. But this list is not meant to be exhaustive. Take it as a general guidelines to come up with your won novel ideas. I wish you luck as you embark on a long but fruitful and sometimes fun journey of torturing kids. In fact, torture a kid today. How does it feel? Good, right?!

PS: Please don't try this tactic on little babies. They are too innocent to be even touched. Also, if you have a baby at home, I would like to come play with them. Thanks for reading.