April 02, 2012

An Open Letter to My Dad

Dear Dad,

Whatever I am going to write here now is really going to be awkward for me. The reason is that, to tell the truth, we have never been really close. I never asked you how was your office today, and you don't know the names of all my friends. But, it is really important for me, that you hear all this from me today.

I have heard, read and seen about the fantastic relationships that various father-son duo share. They are almost like friends or brothers. We do not share that kind of relationship. When we sit to talk, our talks generally revolve around family problems or my studies or something like telephone bills etc. We seldom talk about movies, songs, sports. I struggle to think of one single passion that we share.

But beside all that I can say without a shred of hesitation that I am really proud of you. While I may be a grown up now, physically and mentally, but emotionally I still feel like a child. And as a child I feel protected when you are around. If I screw up something in life, I know that you will be there to support me. If I ever encounter any kind of problem, you may not understand what the problem is, but you will surely help me out in whatever way possible. 

I have been genetically passed a lot of your characteristics from the looks to the physical appearance to the behavior (shyness, anger, laziness!). And some of the things you have taught me, may be not directly but indirectly: faith in God, respect for women, being simple, being humble.

And I wish I could have a number of more features of my dad. I wish I could mingle with the society effortlessly like you, I wish I could be as hard working as you, I wish I could be as empathetic as you.

Yes, there also a lot of things that we do not agree on. And many a times, I thought I had to make compromises just to keep you happy: not being out of home late night, not wearing clothes of certain colors or styles, not keeping long hair etc. etc. I would say it's a generation gap. But I also think that you want me to do them for my own good.

I do think that you give too much importance to what the society thinks of ourselves. And that is one area where our thinking differs. You consider your drinking habit as one single thing that you feel ashamed about. And due to that, I decided long back I will never ever drink in my life.

Everyday I remind myself that I come from one middle class family where people have worked hard to go from where they were to reach where they presently are. Everyone from Papa (Grandpa), Amma (Grandma), to you and mom have worked  tirelessly to build me and brothers.

You and Papa took the responsibility of home even when you were teenagers. And even though you guys didn't complete school education, I would say you have done a pretty damn good job of providing us with whatever that is necessary to survive and a lot more. 

Whether having to wake up very early in the morning in bone-chilling cold to go to work or having to work late night even when you didn't feel well, you guys never complained. And you still had sometime for the family. For you, family always came first.

A lot of things I take for granted. But when I see, other people not having father to support them or their father not being as supportive as you are, I realize your importance in my life.

I feel ashamed that I haven't been as good a son as you have been as a father to me. I haven't shared up your responsibilities. If I had been a better son, grandson and a brother, you would have gotten better sleep at nights. There have also been times where I have pained you from my acts or words, knowingly or unknowingly, and that disgusts me. For all that I want to say sorry to you.

There is this deep desire in the heart that you guys feel incredibly proud of me. Now, I know if I ask you, you would say that "we are already proud of whatever you have done in your life.". But that doesn't satisfy me. I want to see that pride glowing in your eyes.  

I have a lot of dreams. But if I complete this one dream, of making you proud, then I will feel that my life was successful. 

At the last, I want to say one thing which I do not remember, if I ever said to you: I LOVE YOU DAD. You are not my idol, you are not my God. You are someone beyond all that.

And now, that I have said all this to you, I will try to be a little more open with you. Will try to give you more details about my life, and find out more about you. It's a little late to do that, but not too late. Is it?

Your son,
Ravi Indra Davan Singh 
(I always wanted to sign off myself as that! :)