My First Mental Vomit [Poem]

Well its frustrating,
Don't you think so?
When you have to say something,
But have no one to go.

Yes there are parents, but lets admit,
We haven't been as close to them.
Well may be when we were kids,
but now life's all different and grim.

Of course, there are friends to give a shout,
but they got their own problems too.
You don't want to freak them out,
and give them yours to chew.

Yeah, nowadays you have 'The Internet'
You can spend your whole life exploring.
But when you realize its hollower than thou,
It feels incredibly boring.
Google after all, is not the answer,
Not for everything.

Sometimes in life you hit a low patch.
And you seek someone to come hold you,
say "you idiot, why did you fall?"
and then listens to all your excuses,
without taking a call.
(I realize, one can do the same,
by standing in front of wall :)

And here goes inner pessimist:
"Hey, why would anyone choose a loser?
And if there is anyone, 'that' crazy,
Why would she choose me,
since losers are in majority."

So, you sit there alone,
or may be talk a walk.. lonely.
Oh God why this life sux,
Why can't I have a problem alley?

You don't always listen to me,
All I want is someone to listen.
But isn't made of concrete,
but blood and flesh.
OK not just a problem fellow,
but someone to share life's mess.
Someone a bit more intimate.
So you don't second guess,
just say and don't regret.

And when you realize its nowhere near you,
the frustration amplifies,
Noise in head screams out loud,
And the inner you silently cries.

Wanted to end this piece on a happy note,
say there is still battle to be fought.
That the 'solution' to problems is waiting somewhere,
eager to be found out.
Yes, hope is still there,
but that's dwindling day by day.
Becoming more and more difficult to tell now,
how much longer its gonna stay.

Is my faith weak or the 'fix' doesn't exist?

An open letter.. to God (fictional)

Dear God,

How are you? Well before I say anything, I must confess that I was too lazy to write to you, I had to make a sketch, so I asked my friend RavS to write this letter to you. But believe me, the emotions are all mine.

So, what to say.. Matlab, pata nahin kya kahun?

You see, you have given me an awesome life. My friends love me, and though I was abused as a child (thappad gaal pe padte the impression kahin aur aate the); I have got the most loving family in the world. I am the king of my home and my brother and sister have to do whatever I say. What else can I ask for.. Matlab, aur kya maangu?

Bas mujhko ek hi cheej aur de do.. Naukri.. hehe, you thought I was gonna ask for 'Chokari' but that I want 100 times; after all I have to start my own clan. But you see, I want to take retirement soon, from life I mean, jindagi se mera matlab. And before I do that, I want to gather all the worldly pleasures and give all the happiness to my family. And a 'job', doesn't matter which kind, is key to that happiness, I think.

You also know that I am a great artist. But I want to do so much more, wet my feets in those things that I haven't tried before. So, I try a lot of things, dancing, gyming, photography, MBA preparation, GATE preparation, MBBS preparation (my biology wasn't bad), NIFT preparation. And it #includes programming too. I see everybody near me calling himself/herself a 'programmer' and I want to do that too. I am trying my best, just give me some more wisdom so that I can move from C to Java, from CUI to GUI.

But don't get me wrong God. Matlab, mujhe galat mat samjho Bhagwaan .. You have made me an artist. Art is in my blood, and that is not going anywhere. I love to spend late night working on Photoshop. Recently I have also started using Corel Draw and Flash, and then Maya is always there.

And well I have a life of my own. I am grateful to you that you gave me a 24x7 Internet connection. I am currently trying to download the whole of Internet on my new 1 TB hard disk. I don't like disturbance, so I like to keep my door shut. After all, a creative person needs a lot of time alone. Matlab, sab mila jula ke, rachnatmak vyakti ko apne saath kaafi samay chahiye. (XP: yeah what about those 13 hours? )

Oh God, matlab hey bhagwaan, ya allah, waahe guru etc. Why do all my team mates ask me to get the print outs. Am I a fax machine? Sorry, a xerox machine? I contribute so much (PK: yeah, contribution my arse) but still they are not happy. They don't like my awesome ideas. Those lunatics can't even understand my ideas. Why have you given me such an awesome mind when people can't appreciate it?

In veg I like baigan, trishna, torry and kerala. And you know, matlab aur aapko to pata hi hai, Mujhe prawn bhi bhot pasand hai. Maine sabhi tareeke ke prawn try kiye hain. Main sochta hoon kabhi mujhe bhi koi prawn* banana sikha de to majaa aa jaaye. But too much prawn is also not good for health. After all its non veg. Matlab, sab mila jula ke, ye maansahaari hai. Isi liye main share karne me vishwaas karta hoon. People think prawn is not healthy, but well curiosity about things is never unhealthy. 

I like animals too. I just love pussy, cat at my home. I feed it everyday. That to me is the most beautiful thing in the world. That's why I discuss about it all the time. And working with my friend RavS, we have tried to make Bhains and its parts ("aankh", "naak", "poonch", "thann") world famous. But what I like most about it is its gobar. I don't understand why people think of it as a dirty thing. Its just full of awesome minerals and is multipurpose. Just give those idiots some knowledge. Its insulting when they make noses hearing gobar while eating.

Did I tell you about my movie watching habits. Oh sorry, you are omnipresent matlab oh maaf karna, aap to sarvagyaata hain.Well, I have got a lot of movies, and I have always been a sharer so my friends also have them (RavS: Little does he know, I delete them all). But now having so many movies and music, I don't have time to check them all. So, I like to watch specific scenes, sometimes just posters and because of your gifted psychic powers I can tell the whole movie based on that. So, I don't understand why people need to watch the whole movie. Please give those lesser mortals similar powers, so that they also can save time.

Accha ab maang hi raha hun to mujhe ek girl friend bhi de hi do.. Matlab, hain to bhot saari but koi official nahin hai. But she has to be bigger than me. That's why I am not building my body. I don't want to look like a king, muscular terrorist of 1987.

I am an open book. You come, you read, you scribble (RavS: actually you shit) and you go. But people get me wrong, they think I am a bad person. They call me 'jhand'. Yeah yeah, I am 'jhand' but because I want to be human first before becoming superhuman. I am even learning KunguFu for that.

And God I think its high time for me to be the next God. So that people celebrate Christmas on 24th December instead. Just let me know when you are retiring.

OK Happy Birthday in advance. Merry Christmas.

Yours,

Truly Jhand

Good bye XP... Will miss you

Seems like 2010 is becoming an year to say bye to many things. Last post was a tribute to Blueline buses. This one is dedicated to dear old M'Soft Windows XP.

When I really started using computers (in school) and came to know that computers are much more than game playing machines, I was introduced to Windows 98. It was just amazing to see how you can use mouse to click on that start button, then Programs->Accessories->Notepad and a wonderful Notepad (;) comes out of blue. Now you can write anything you want and save it and see it later. It was truly amazing.

After some years, Windows inside the computer labs got upgraded, and I got to see Windows 2000 server edition, Windows ME, Windows NT etc. which may have been better but didn't feel any different from Win98. Finally, one day in one computer I saw Windows XP. It was so sleek, quite beautiful, everyone enjoyed working on that particular lab PC. After a few years, I got a PC of my own. I thought I would make it triple boot with Windows 98, Windows 2000, and Windows XP (though at that time, I didn't exactly know the meaning of triple boot). But that damn computer engineer only gave me Windows XP, it was preinstalled (at shop) and I thought M'Soft did it on HCL behalf! It took me 2-3 years to realize, my Windows XP wasn't genuine ;)

Anyway, Windows XP has been 'The OS' for me for almost all of my computing life till now. I have learnt how to use computer and its softwares, how to install and uninstall programs, how to install games cracks, how to connect to Internet, how to use an Anti-virus, and stuffs like virus definition, disk defragmentation, disk checking, registry pruning, 'burning' MP3 disks, even some programming, reinstalling OS, fiddling with system files etc. I have learnt them all by myself :P Alright, with a lot of help from more knowledgeable friends, and learning by experimenting myself.

It always had its shortcomings (most important, it being a M'Soft product) but I always felt right at home using the OS. When Vista came and I heard negative responses about it, I laughed at the new OS and people using it. Did give a try to it but didn't get a reason to turn my back from XP. XP always felt rugged, like no amount of virus, worm, trojans, spywares and other malwares can harm it (of course, I was proven wrong time and again).

After sometime Windows 7 came, and I installed it on my system. Used it for some time, but my system wasn't as powerful to give a full blown Win7 experience. So, turned back to my old friend. But after some good hardware upgrade last year, I again started using Windows 7 at the beginning of this year (by this time, a lot of people had upgraded their pirated OS) and after sometime the frequency of XP usage started decreasing. Now, I mainly used XP as a testing ground, to install new softwares and to do usual experimenting and tricks. Its desktop was so full with icons and folders etc, it felt like I shitted on it. 

And after August, Windows XP started to feel like just taking another partition and not really being used. So, thoughts of removing it started coming in mind. But partly because I was lazy and partly because of the nostalgic feeling attached to OS, I really couldn't do that for next 2 months. But then around the end of October I thought of letting the past go. I opened disk partitioner inside Win7 and just deleted the XP partition. Its been 2 months, and now I feel what I did was right. I don't think I am going back to XP ever again.

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I have been a die hard Linux lover for almost 2 years now and I have indulged in a lot of PDA for Linux.(Full story about Linux Love in some other post). Till now had used it time and again (installing inside Windows or using VirtualBox, which wasn't a great experience really) but never as my Main OS. And being a M'Soft criticizer, I always felt ashamed as till the time I used Windows I really wasn't entitled to laugh at M'Soft. One of the reasons for leaving XP was that, I had to become a regular Linux user. 

So after removing WinXP I started waiting for the latest version of my favorite distro to release (I don't understand my fascination for latest, thankfully I don't wish for latest friends!). And finally on 12th November Linux Mint 10 "Julia" came. Woke till 2 am that day to download and install it. Had some problems with running Internet but with much difficulty and some luck, I was finally able to run Internet on Linux. Its been 50 days today, and I have hardly used Windows 7 since then. Just like IE, I start to feel sick thinking about having to use Windows. In fact have been forcing others also at home, to use Linux, mainly because the use of PC is so limited that Windows 7 doesn't provide any advantages other than familiarity. And now I feel I am ready to ridicule Windows much like Internet Explorer. :)

But on second thoughts, after becoming a 'true' Linux user I realize this platform has its own disadvantages/limitations. So criticizing Windows for being 'jhand' doesn't call for. I am a happy Linux user, others may be happy Windows (XP) users. I can only advice them to give Linux a try. I am no more going to force anyone to do so. After all its just a platform, not your religion.

M'Soft I heard may be stopping support for Windows XP in 2012, I have already stopped supporting Windows XP.

R.I.P. XP...

Bluelines. Please don't go. Please...

As part of 'beautification' and 'modernization' drive for undergoing now-over CWG in Delhi, Delhi Govt. has been purchasing swanky new low floor AC and Non AC buses and adding them to DTC fleet of 'khataaraa' dirty yellow-green buses. And while doing this, they have also been removing an equal number of blueline buses. (Update: now the Govt. has decided to get rid of all the buses once and for all, by the end of January 2011). And that is bad news for me. I strongly oppose this decision.

Honorable SC of India has already said that Delhi needs at least 10,000 buses for the current population in order to get a respectable public transport structure. Removing buses like this isn't going to help in anyway, since we only have just over half the required capacity. Well, Delhi Govt. is trying to get the private sector also into public transport, but it may take a lot of time.

Even if we get the required number of buses to travel, I have got my own reasons for not letting them go:

1. They got the music: A no. of blue line bus drivers keep their jukebox (the FM radio or an audio cassette player). And they do care for passengers, so many of them have fitted speakers at the front and rear side of the bus. How many DTC buses do that? Now, since I still don't have a PMP of my own (update: I have got a new #walkman :), I don't mind listening to some 'thadkte bhadakte' tracks on the way (Never mind its my exams and travelling time is critical for successful revision). It may happen that the driver/conductor like old sad songs, which doesn't suit your genre of rock/rap/sufi. So, travelling can become pain in the ears also. But hey you get to hear some new genre, right?

2. They got the speed: Thanks to media, bluelines have got the #killer tag. So, govt had to force them to install 'speed limiter'. But blueline operators are very good automobile engineers. A no. of them modified the limiter, so they aren't limited to 40 kmph speed. And as a result, travelling in DTC sometimes gives me a feeling that I am riding an F1 car. Start, first gear, second, third, forth , fifth, slow down, take sharp turn, back to forth gear, bend the bus, full throttle, maneuver traffic, overtake the cycle (no no, don't crush him.. shit). Ohh... what a rush. But well DTC people don't even need to do it. They don't stop at the stops, so they always win the race, anyway.

3. They got the attitude: Blueline staff is considered to be rude (As if our PM gave behavioral training to DTC staff), but then the commuters are no good either (Blueline: only place where students are considered school/college staff). And if you don't have the Haryanvi accent, you are no good Goddamn blueline conductor. "Aagene/peechne hole bhai, thare liye aage/peeche sofe biche hain" "Puri khali padi hai ustaad". Travelling in blueline requires huge amount of stamina, endurance, and flexibility. If you lack any of these, you are as good as a mashed potato (route no. 721 in morning).

4. They got the inferiorstructure infrastructure: I have travelled in all kinds of buses.. seatless, paneless, topless.. But they still try and give you the best infrastructure possible. No seats? You can sit on the bonnet if you want, or spare tyres. No window pane? Don't whine, you couldn't have asked for a better air-conditioner (hey I am not joking, its completely natural and free, you aren't making any carbon footprints, alright). Some seats are so mangled modified that you get the feeling you are inventing a new Yoga asana, sitting on them. And just beware of those nails coming out from the sides and seats; one miss and you may get an unwanted body piercing. Quite an adventure really.

5. They got the bus: You thought you paid the fare and the bus is yours for the taking? Its still their bus, they will start, stop, drive, stop, rest, stop, talk, stop, pee, stop, fight, stop whenever they want. "Late aap hain, hum nahin". You got a problem, go take another bus (amazingly your bus fare is always refundable). After travelling in a blueline, don't be surprised if you get jet-lag! May be thats why they make you jump off the bus, that way you can at least feel your leg. Talk about second hand suicide.

And well if blueline really go away, who will blow that encoded whistle, use that coin as an instant messenger, flirt with the 'ladies savaari'?

Has govt. ever thought that may be the name 'blueline' itself has some problem, rather than blueline buses. You see, whatever you call blueline becomes a nightmare. I mostly hear about blueline of metro developing problems rather than any other line. And who can forget the 'bluelane' that gave commuters headache during CWG.

But well seriously... may be its really time for good old blueline to go. The life of common man is more special than any argument I give for saving the bluelines. If we can save even one life this way, I would say job well done.

I have my earliest childhood memories of travelling in route no. 770 blueline everyday with my bua, to go to school. I am gonna miss bluelines..