December 24, 2010

An open letter.. to God (fictional)

Dear God,

How are you? Well before I say anything, I must confess that I was too lazy to write to you, I had to make a sketch, so I asked my friend RavS to write this letter to you. But believe me, the emotions are all mine.

So, what to say.. Matlabpata nahin kya kahun?

You see, you have given me an awesome life. My friends love me, and though I was abused as a child (thappad gaal pe padte the impression kahin aur aate the); I have got the most loving family in the world. I am the king of my home and my brother and sister have to do whatever I say. What else can I ask for.. Matlabaur kya maangu?

Bas mujhko ek hi cheej aur de do.. Naukri.. hehe, you thought I was gonna ask for 'Chokari' but that I want 100 times; after all I have to start my own clan. But you see, I want to take retirement soon, from life I mean, jindagi se mera matlab. And before I do that, I want to gather all the worldly pleasures and give all the happiness to my family. And a 'job', doesn't matter which kind, is key to that happiness, I think.

You also know that I am a great artist. But I want to do so much more, wet my feets in those things that I haven't tried before. So, I try a lot of things, dancing, gyming, photography, MBA preparation, GATE preparation, MBBS preparation (my biology wasn't bad), NIFT preparation. And it #includes programming too. I see everybody near me calling himself/herself a 'programmer' and I want to do that too. I am trying my best, just give me some more wisdom so that I can move from C to Java, from CUI to GUI.

But don't get me wrong God. Matlabmujhe galat mat samjho Bhagwaan .. You have made me an artist. Art is in my blood, and that is not going anywhere. I love to spend late night working on Photoshop. Recently I have also started using Corel Draw and Flash, and then Maya is always there.

And well I have a life of my own. I am grateful to you that you gave me a 24x7 Internet connection. I am currently trying to download the whole of Internet on my new 1 TB hard disk. I don't like disturbance, so I like to keep my door shut. After all, a creative person needs a lot of time alone. Matlabsab mila jula ke, rachnatmak vyakti ko apne saath kaafi samay chahiye. (XP: yeah what about those 13 hours? )

Oh God, matlab hey bhagwaan, ya allah, waahe guru etc. Why do all my team mates ask me to get the print outs. Am I a fax machine? Sorry, a xerox machine? I contribute so much (PK: yeah, contribution my arse) but still they are not happy. They don't like my awesome ideas. Those lunatics can't even understand my ideas. Why have you given me such an awesome mind when people can't appreciate it?

In veg I like baigan, trishna, torry and kerala. And you know, matlab aur aapko to pata hi hai, Mujhe prawn bhi bhot pasand hai. Maine sabhi tareeke ke prawn try kiye hain. Main sochta hoon kabhi mujhe bhi koi prawn* banana sikha de to majaa aa jaaye. But too much prawn is also not good for health. After all its non veg. Matlab, sab mila jula ke, ye maansahaari hai. Isi liye main share karne me vishwaas karta hoon. People think prawn is not healthy, but well curiosity about things is never unhealthy. 

I like animals too. I just love pussy, cat at my home. I feed it everyday. That to me is the most beautiful thing in the world. That's why I discuss about it all the time. And working with my friend RavS, we have tried to make Bhains and its parts ("aankh", "naak", "poonch", "thann") world famous. But what I like most about it is its gobar. I don't understand why people think of it as a dirty thing. Its just full of awesome minerals and is multipurpose. Just give those idiots some knowledge. Its insulting when they make noses hearing gobar while eating.

Did I tell you about my movie watching habits. Oh sorry, you are omnipresent matlab oh maaf karna, aap to sarvagyaata hain.Well, I have got a lot of movies, and I have always been a sharer so my friends also have them (RavS: Little does he know, I delete them all). But now having so many movies and music, I don't have time to check them all. So, I like to watch specific scenes, sometimes just posters and because of your gifted psychic powers I can tell the whole movie based on that. So, I don't understand why people need to watch the whole movie. Please give those lesser mortals similar powers, so that they also can save time.

Accha ab maang hi raha hun to mujhe ek girl friend bhi de hi do.. Matlab, hain to bhot saari but koi official nahin hai. But she has to be bigger than me. That's why I am not building my body. I don't want to look like a king, muscular terrorist of 1987.

I am an open book. You come, you read, you scribble (RavS: actually you shit) and you go. But people get me wrong, they think I am a bad person. They call me 'jhand'. Yeah yeah, I am 'jhand' but because I want to be human first before becoming superhuman. I am even learning KunguFu for that.

And God I think its high time for me to be the next God. So that people celebrate Christmas on 24th December instead. Just let me know when you are retiring.

OK Happy Birthday in advance. Merry Christmas.

Truly Jhand