March 27, 2011

Can't Let It Go

Warning: Highly sentimental content. Adults only. Not for the funny hearted.
  
"Alright then, Best of Luck for the future. Good Bye..."

Those were the last words I said to my ward yesterday, whom I have been tutoring for last 3 years. 2 weeks from now she will be moving outside India and there is a very good chance, we won't meet again. I had a very weird feeling going back home afterwards, almost like I didn't like that the tuitions were ending, which is funny because I have been wanting them to end for the last 6 months or so. I was kind of feeling tired tutoring and wanted to make time for some other stuffs.

Friends = (Tuitions)^Infinity
And it is scary because if I am feeling like that for leaving tuitions where I had to invest only 15 hours per month, what will happen when I have to leave college friends (even teachers) in 3 months from now, with whom I laughed, quarrelled, danced, played, goofed around, watched movies, listened to music, had lunch, felt embarrassed, jealous, cheerful, proud and what not. Of course, we will have each others' number and email ids and all but lets be honest: Long distance relationships don't work :) 

It hurts 
Well it is still difficult to leave things when you know you can get them back someday; but when you know, deep down the heart, you are never going to get it back, never going to see it again; then it becomes heartbreaking. When some relative, blood or otherwise, goes forever, it hurts. All the old memories come rushing back. Frustration builds up, because you are not getting what you want. It is said that time heals everything. After sometime (few hours, days, months, year) people move on; but not me. May be I require a life time to move on. 

Desire
I guess, it is because of my reluctance to leave the things I get accustomed to. And I don't think I am the only one who feels that way (the way we deal with these situations may be different though). Buddha says that root cause of all suffering is *Desire* but it is hard not to desire to be with people/stuff whom/which you like. I don't know about hermits but I, as a normal vulnerable human being, can't live with people I care about, without desiring to stay with them forever. 

Bloody Nostalgia 
People go from life, but those who matter remain stuck somewhere in that subconscious mind. When you get emotionally attached to things it's hard to let them go. Like your best friend of primary, mid, high school. your favorite teacher of 4th, 10th class etc. Your bua whom you get overly dependent in your homework, people with whom you used to spend the evening talking rubbish, the protagonists from a long TV series or even strangers with whom you get to spend just a few hours with. I think this is what that bloody nostalgia feels like. 

Both worlds? 
Life goes on. New comes only when old goes. Would I have got new (better? :) friends if old friends weren't left behind? Would I be able to become self dependent if my childhood mentor didn't marry? Would I be able to find more good stuff to watch if the old ones didn't ever end?... But then, can't I have the best of both worlds?  

Struggling
I read somewhere that the key to happiness is to "let it go". While some things are there for which I can't turn back the clock; I still do try to gain stuffs that I lost during the life. I try to get in contact with that friend whom I lost due to unwanted circumstances, I still try to find out the whereabouts of the teacher I liked very much in mid school, still try to meet someone once a year knowing that good old days are not coming back. The efforts may not yield perfect results but at least I get to relive the past in someway.

I am not giving up, at least not that easily.