Who am I really? What am I doing? Why doesn't "it", (it being whatever the heck I am doing ), "feel good"?
I don't know about you, but these questions definitely crop up in my mind every now and then, and with enormous frequency nowadays.
Nothing seems certain. There is an overwhelming sense of anxiety that engulfs me sometimes about so many things that I plan to do but not making progress in most of them. And in this endless tug of war with self, the little achievements also get "neutralized" into being a "nothingness". I wonder if this is a natural state of being.
What's the reason that even after having almost everything required to live a 'fine' life, there's this imperceptible feeling of "hollowness" inside?
Is it that we (I) ended up being on a different shore than we imagined ourselves to be when we started sailing long back? Is it the jealousy of people whom we considered less "smart" than us, going on to do "better" than us in life? Is it the frustration of not getting what we want as fast as we would like to? Or, is it the frustration of just being "stuck", which I define as "the feeling of not being able to make much progress in any part of life".
I have talked about getting depressed earlier. But this current 'problem' isn't the same. In depression, everything seems to just shut down paralyzing you to do anything. Here, things are moving on, and with relatively good speed even, but I am not sure if the things that are moving along are even the right things. The stuffs that were once exciting have ceased to be and the new things don't have the power to keep a hold on for long.
And here's where the real problem lies: my friend circle even after having a bunch of pretty smart people, none of them seems to have an answer to the kind of questions that I am asking here. Probably because they are battling their own problems, different but kinda similar. It's like a collective black cloud looming over everyone's head.
Some people define it as a "quarter life crisis"? But then if it is, why do doesn't Everyone I know seem to go through the same struggle? It definitely doesn't seem to be Universal. So, then what are we - "the self-proclaimed failures" - seem to be doing wrong?
Some people suggest it to be a "girl/guy problem". Advice like, "You need to have someone in your life", "It's time to get married" etc. are thrown at a relatively frequent pace. I am not sure if thinking that your future partner, if/when (s)he comes in life, will magically make all these 'mind problems' go away, is the right way to approach it.
Lots of questions but don't know where to turn for the answers. Unfortunately for me, I am also not a big time spiritual person to seek answers in religious texts and customs. And the older generation doesn't seem to "get" it.
Something inside almost wishes there were Someone who not only "understands" but also be mature and experienced enough to "know" what to do about it. May be, we would be end up being that "Someone" whom we seek out secretly for mentoring us through this Hell called Life.
PS : I recently bought 2 domains for my blogs. Now you can access #AnOSM Blog on blogRSH.in and #1000Sher on 1000Sher.in.
PPS : Happy Birthday to Me. :)